Dirty Dan's Korner
Dirty Dan is a connoisseur (connoi-sewer?) of straight-to-video soft-core films. If you are easily skeeved-out, turn back now! Other wise, enjoy Dan's review of Seduction Cinema's Play-Mate of the Apes.
Play-Mate of the Apes (2002)
director: john bacchus
cast: misty mundae, debbie rochon, zachary Winston snygg, anoushka, sharon engert, darian caine, shelby taylor, john paul fedele
It's been almost two years since my last Dirty Dan review, so imagine my surprise when I received an email from Hollywood Outsider's "editor", Tom Graney, asking if I was interested in reviewing Seduction Cinema's Play-Mate of the Apes. After getting over the shock that Graney and his little rag were still around, I gave him a call as per his request. I was able to wrangle outta him that Dirty Dan (Me! Me! Me!) is the most visited section of his low-grade website. He sounded almost mournful about this FACT. He went on to tell me that the most popular searches at HO were for the keywords "tits", "ass", and "pussy". Of course I responded with a well timed, "Duh"! What the hell was he expecting? This is the internet! The proven profit-making enterprises on the net are eBay, Amazon, and porn. "You know, Graney, I remember a time when you had a set of gonads," I sneered. "If you want me to do another review for your little shit-rag, you have to swear to keep your filthy, stinkin' mitts off my reviews! Every word I write is sacred! No 'editing'! Understand, prick!?!" Unbelievably, he agreed to these absurd terms. What a douche!
Well,
enough with the walk down memory lane, onto the main event. Seduction Cinema
has been churning out near porno-quality schlock at an alarming rate and their
main asset is their favorite go-to girl, Misty Mundae. If you aren't familiar
with her work, think of Misty as the Meryl Streep of soft-core Lesbo movies.
What makes her a standout performer is a killer face and body, plus a pinch
of unrefined acting talent and charisma. She must be insane because she could
have a real acting career. Instead she's naked running around the woods of
New Jersey while being chased by some assholes in monkey masks. Hollywood's
loss is Dirty Dan's gain. When I look at Misty Mundae, I'm riddled with guilt
on account of the foul things I'd like to do with her. This seems kinda wrong
since I'm old enough to be her dad, but the point is that I'm NOT her dad.
At the risk of projecting my own neuroses onto the young lady, Misty is the
kind of woman that put the "Dirty" in Dan. I guess the point is
that it's not my fault! Isn't it amazing how the cinema teaches us about our
psyches and how to embrace our inner selves, even if our inner selves are
totally repellent?
Play-Mate of the Apes has the feel of a bunch of college stoners making their own pseudo-porn flick as a goof. Picture Our Gang after they've become young, twisted adults and decide to put on their own lewd shows! They use the classic porn formula of taking a popular mainstream movie and twisting the plot and character names into a parody. These porno flicks have wacky titles like, Edward Penishands, Saving Ryan's Privates, American Booty, Indiana Joan: The Black Hole of Mammo, Shane's World 32: Campus Invasion, etc. Titles like these just go on and on and on. The appetite for pornography in this country (and in my apartment) is truly numbing in its gigantic proportions. This obsession with dirtying-up mainstream product is the basis for a production company like Seduction Cinema and the objective for resident auteur, John Bacchus.
"I
believe that our heavenly father invented the monkey, because he was disappointed
in man"—Mark Twain. So begins Play-Mate of the Apes. Obviously,
it's an ultra-stupid send up of the classic Planet of the Apes and
takes bits of the plot from the original and dumps sex into the mix. The best
way to view this crap is to secure some government-grade dope, pop the DVD
in, and let the party begin (or so I've heard). Misty plays the Charlton Heston
role and Darian Caine plays the mute "Nova" (immortalized by mega-babe
Linda Harrison). The other astronauts are played by a couple of stripper chicks
(Sharon Engert and Anoushka). Actually, except for Misty, they all look like
over-inflated, stripper chicks. The "Michael Jackson Award" goes
to Sharon Engert. She's a blonde bimbo who went overboard with the plastic
surgery. Sharon looks like one of those blowup love dolls. Especially disturbing
is her lips which look like they've been removed, stuffed with collagen, and
glued loosely back on her face. Reigning schlock-queen, Debbie Rochon, is
"Dr. Cornholeous". She snags an easy paycheck by appearing in a
monkey mask appliance, blonde wig, and science smock—no nudity! She should
have taken full advantage of the anonymity afforded by the mask and insist
on a name change in the credits. Shelby Taylor shows up later in the pic for
some robotic-like lesbianism with Misty and the girls. All the sex is simulated.
Play-Mate of the Apes is better than a lot of soft-core movies which is not much of an endorsement. This genre is just loaded with manure. The worst examples are the flicks that hardly have any nudity. The Far East tends to have better, wackier, and weirder sleaze-flicks. Like always, if you are looking to "flog the dolphin", "spank the monkey", or "choke the chicken", download an episode of Bang Bus from the internet instead. If you are looking for sleaze without the unnerving sight of penetration, you might be better served picking a different Misty Mundae effort, perhaps Satan's School for Lust or Erotic Survivor. 'Til next time (don't hold your breath).—Dirty Dan
$4.63
© 2003 Hollywood Outsider™
To find out more about Misty, follow link to the Seduction Cinema website: