Dirty Dan's Korner
Different Strokes (AKA “Jack, Jill and Jill”)
director: michael paul girard
cast: dana plato, bentley mitchum, landon hall, david millbern, gabriella hall, michelle trongone, noëlle balfour, erica gold, samantha janus, jilda trolio, rick abramson, mark herko, christa herzog, robert santo, susan johnson
Dirty Dan’s Korner: Welcome to the first installment of “Dirty Dan’s Korner”. Dirty Dan is a connoisseur (connoi-sewer?) of straight-to-video soft-core films. If you are easily skeeved-out, turn back now! Other wise, enjoy Dan's review of Dana Plato’s latest outing as a Lesbian on the make in “Different Strokes” – T. G. *** A few weeks after "HO" published this review, Dana Plato died of a drug overdose. We don't think she ever saw "Dirty Dan's" review of this little opus, so you can't blame us. Don't bothering sending us a bomb on this one!***
The King of all media, Howard Stern, has a well known formula for success and it’s called lesbians, lesbians, lesbians. “Who knew that it took talent to make such a simple concept work,” asked the makers of “Different Strokes.” I guess that’s why it is said that ideas are cheep, because with out talent you get “Stroked.”
Jill
(Dana Plato) is a clothing designer/photo stylist, I think. Nothing is for
sure here, but who cares, this is just “plot”, and that’s not why I’m watching.
The fashion was abysmal of course, but they talk about her crap like it’s
Versace. Jack (Bentley Mitchum. Dear God man, if you have any respect for
the dead you’ll change your name) is a photographer and he is, of course,
the best at what he does, as all these morons are supposed to be. Jack is
an over-bearing, over-sexed prick that would like nothing more than to get
his girlfriend Jill and her new friend, also Jill (Dana Plato), into a menage
a trois. Jill (whatever her real name is) is a knockout brunette who acts
on her cunnilingus curiosity because she cannot find love and affection from
her dick-head boyfriend, hence the too stupid for words original title of
“Jack and Jill and Jill,” a triangle with no corners. But Plato’s recent crash
and burn episode prompted the producers to change the title and try to cash
in. She was picked up for robbing a Blockbuster video store and was easily
identified by the clerk she held at gunpoint because as it turns out, Plato
was a regular customer. What can one say?
As
the cliched opening shot suggests, an airplane landing is just the way every
good porno film should start. I’m left standing dazed and confused. What are
they trying to do? Tell a story? Dear God, I think they’re trying to sell
us a lesbian message movie without any sex. Shame on them. For those of us
who love lesbians, and we are many, what we want are lesbians being lesbians
doing lesbian things. Instead what we get is something Amy Taubin (The Village
Voice film critic) would have given us had she directed this flick: a lesbian
message movie with very little nudity and fade-outs when the sex begins. Knowing
our not-so-young felon, crackhead, carpet muncher starlet, Dana Plato, she
could have been coaxed into just about anything just to secure her next fix.
What we should have had was a raunchy, beaver buzzing, pearl diving, career
ending leap into the abyss, farewell to Plato but instead we’re given a Disney-a-fied
T&A flick that doesn’t do anymore for the lesbian's cause then it does for
the hard-up (me).
I was duped, we all were duped. It was the old trick of bait and switch. You think you’re getting one thing and you get something else. A guy wants lesbians and instead is given an angry lesbian message movie. Say no to lesbian message movies. Let’s proclaim the last Monday in May to be No-More-Lesbian-Message-Movies Day! We’ll make a statement to the world by taking off from work, cutting class, getting out of the house and having as much fun as possible. On this day we’ll go to the beach, spend time with family and friends at a barbecue, go out drinking and getting laid and then drinking some more. Perhaps in your drunkin’ stupor you’ll yell out “I’m not going to take lesbian message movies anymore!” You be the judge of your own good time. On this joyous day no one will tell us what to do and only then will they fear us and never will they dare to deceive us again. Now, let’s see if you support me by celebrating on the last Monday in May! – Dirty Dan
$0.69
© 1998 Hollywood Outsider™